I can’t stop thinking about my cousin’s death.
Yesterday morning, I spent a couple of hours with my best friend and her newborn. I was so relieved, the entire time, just to be with them – Nicole’s story could have been hers. She was sick right before she gave birth, she had a c-section, she had complications – she could have died. She didn’t, but I keep seeing the possibilities in my head.
When I had my miscarriage, I thought the world was going to stop. My heart felt like lead and every beat surprised me. A part of me wanted to die, to make the hurt stop. But then I would look at my little boy, my sweet little five-year-old, and I’d keep going. Somehow I kept going.
And I know that’s what we’re all feeling now, my family and I. We keep going. We look at those we love, and we keep going, and we love them all the more because we’re taking them less for granted these days.
I feel like my immortality boat has been rocked. I was sailing along, feeling immortal because that’s how we get through our lives – that’s how we do things that don’t make our hearts sing, by pretending that there’s always tomorrow. But then I looked down, and suddenly I realized that my boat is sailing through a lake of acid! With sharks! And lasers!
Death is everywhere! We’re oh so very mortal and fragile, and we take it for granted, and we fill our time up with stuff that doesn’t make our hearts sing, and then we look down one day and fall into the lake of acid and sharks and lasers and wonder where the time went, oh my.
I don’t want to lose this feeling, this sense of urgency about life, this utter refusal to spend my days doing anything that doesn’t make my heart sing. But at the same time, I can’t spend all my time fearing the shark-and-laser-infested acid lake, either.
Balance. That seems to be what I’m flailing around reaching out to find; balance.
Have you read the Connection Manifesto? It tells the story of why there is so much hurt and sadness in the world, and how we can heal through connection.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: partybizconnect
October 16, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Me too! There are days that I’m just floating along then I’ll snap back to reality because of bad news from a friend. We don’t have forever on this earth. We must always remember this fact because it does force a little more urgency in our lives.
I need to believe that I am here for a reason. I have a destiny. I want to change how businesses treat their employees. I want to change how employees view their work. If I didn’t have urgency I would keep putting off working on the important stuff because it’s hard. Very hard work.
So even when the week of work has worn me out. My tired muscles are ready to collapse on the couch I take just 10 more minutes to work on a blog post because it could be that little extra effort that tips the attention scales in my favor. It’s the only way that I know how to live.
.-= Karl Staib – Work Happy Now´s last blog ..Hard, Fun, and the Beautiful – Before it Gets Cold Edition =-.
Oh, I know that feeling deeply in my soul. Lately I have been just focusing on “one foot in front of the other” type things. Somedays my heart just aches and I feel like it is breaking apart…but I also have the feeling that someday this feeling of dread that is dragging me down will end, that things will change for the better, and that the only way I will see that will be through putting in the hard work and facing my sharks… and keeping my balance…
I know that I need to branch out and reach out, now more than ever… and that every small spark of inspiration that I have can create inspiration for someone else, every kind word, every moment spent sharing the wonder, every time I let joy bubble over me I can change someone’s world…
Even if its only MY world.,, or the world of my kids…
(hugs)
.-= Pam (@moonslark)´s last blog ..Review: The Freak Manifesto (Part 1) =-.
Wishing you comfort. Death makes us deep, but sometimes we can go too far. Stay afloat and dive down every now and then to try to find the true meaning of what you can pull from this all.
.-= Lydia, Clueless Crafter´s last blog ..HouseCraft: Illuminate Your World from the Inside Out =-.
I love this line:
I was sailing along, feeling immortal because that’s how we get through our lives – that’s how we do things that don’t make our hearts sing, by pretending that there’s always tomorrow.
You are right on the money with this. It’s about putting the meaning & happiness off until the future.
Where the hell did we get that idea from??
Rock on Kyeli!
.-= Leah/DefytheBox´s last blog ..Trapped, Miserable and Bitchy =-.