I am devastated.
I’m going through the motions of my life, trying to pretend I’m okay when I’m in social situations. Trying not to let on how much I’m hurting, how deeply the pain is lodged. How broken my heart is.
When my uterus collapsed, my dream collapsed.
Two years ago, my body, mind, and spirit in wholeness was called to be a surrogate for alternative families.
And my birthday, five short weeks away, was to be my launch date – when I announced it and started family-finding.
I planned to spend this month writing copy, prepping my website, arranging things, planning contracts, and generally getting ready. I’ve spent the last two years getting in better shape, taking prenatal vitamins, changing my diet, and preparing my body for pregnancy. I’ve been reading books, learning about the process, getting to know the laws. I’ve even got a business name, a gorgeous header, and a url all ready to go.
But then, this.
I knew, going in, that finding a family would be challenging. I’m 33, which is just this side of the age danger zone. I’ve had a miscarriage, which means I’ve got a higher chance of future miscarriage. I’m fat.
But I was called, so I heeded. I never wavered. I knew in my heart I would find someone, I would bring a new life into the world for someone who couldn’t. I knew it, I believed it, I felt it.
And now, this.
And even if I manage to ease all the symptoms of my newfound disorder, it can take a very long time to get back in the right place for bearing children – and I might never be able to do it non-surgically. And, either way, the risks of miscarriage and premature birth skyrocket.
I can’t look a family in the eyes and assure them that my womb is a safe place for their baby. I can’t even look myself in the eye with that assurance.
Because it’s not true anymore.
My body isn’t a safe place to gestate.
I will never have another baby, for myself or for anyone else.
I am so devastated. Heart-sick. Sad to the core of my being, sad all the way to my bones, sad from the inside out and back again.
And, of course, on top of this heart-pain, there’s been a lot of physical pain. I’m cramping, and sometimes it’s quite severe. I’ve done so many Kegels that my Kegel muscle aches all the time. I’m afraid to poop, I’m afraid to sneeze, and sometimes I’m even afraid to pee. I can’t bear so much as the thought of having sex; I can’t even bear the thought of masturbating – I don’t want to be touched sexually whatsoever. I feel so afraid and broken and icky. And it’s been nearly two weeks and hasn’t gotten any better at all.
My body has become a place of fear and worry and heartache. I feel betrayed by my body and by my spirit and by Spirit. I’m not aligned with my self, and the dissonance that causes is as troubling as the heartache.
Have you read the Connection Manifesto? It tells the story of why there is so much hurt and sadness in the world, and how we can heal through connection.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
*hugz* There’s just so many layers of why this sucks and I can’t even begin to imagine how sad you must feel. I’m not sure I even have words to express how sorry I am for you. So I’ll just leave you lots of love and *hugz* and love. Okay? :-)
.-= E. Foley – Geek’s Dream Girl´s last blog ..Geek’s Dream Girl Reaches Terrible Twos! =-.
Nothing to say, but I am sorry. And to offer you hugs, light, healing vibes, and chocolate. Unless of course you don’t like chocolate. If that is the case I’ll eat it for you.
Seriously … love, light, healing, and hugs.
.-= christy´s last blog ..A New Approach to Change =-.
As I read this, my eyes welled up… We don’t know each other, but my heart aches for you.
I hope the Universe gives you some swift love in the form of a revelation, comforting you with some glimpse into the reasons why it’s okay that this dream didn’t come true. When one door closes, another opens. I don’t know what your next path will hold, but I’m sure it will be amazing. Anyone who is willing to do something like this for families who can’t deserves something truly awesome…
.-= Jess C.´s last blog ..I was paid to scare people with a chainsaw… =-.
Oh my dear, I so wish I had some words of wisdom or healing, but all I can manage is a million internet hugs for you and your dreams.
I am so deeply, truly sorry that this has happened to you.
You’ll most definitely be in my words I send to Goddess, asking her to take care of you and aid you in your journey to wellness.
My heart goes out to you. <3
I am expediting multiple hugs sent by wingfooted mental messengers across the gulf.
Perceive this roadblock like a stone blocking your path on your journey. Seek the new path around/over/through this misfortune. Sometimes “callings” are the wrong number and sometimes “callings” are misunderstood because of a garbled signal. I suggest you keep the line open and listen carefully. Your gifts are manifold and not limited to your uterine skills. Your desire to help others is the center point. You CAN still bring life into this world. I know that my life is more lively for having you in it and I am certain many more people can echo that sentiment. Be you, get well, and keep the faith. But that’s just my opinion, what can an old man like me know?
Sending love, comfort and healing thoughts to you.
.-= Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..Roaming Through Michigan =-.
Peace be with you.
.-= Sheila´s last blog ..Upper West Side Folk Art Market =-.
Oh, wow, this just… wow. I read the previous post and my heart went out to you but this just puts the situation in a whole new light. I cannot empathize, but I can sympathize with what you’re going through and I wish you peace, hope and love as you find your own way to deal.
.-= Jennifer “Scraps” Walker´s last blog ..That’s Where the Music Comes From! =-.
<3
.-= Ellie Di´s last blog ..The (Mc)Queen of My Fashion Heart =-.
I am so very sorry, Kyeli. I don’t know what else to say, so I’ll leave it at that. Hugs for you.
.-= Naomi Niles´s last blog ..Introducing Intuitive Designs Version 7 =-.
aw no!
maybe this story will give you hope (but feel free to yell at me if it doesn’t): about two years ago I was burnt out after attempts at getting into the KaosPilots social enterprise school didn’t work. It was a project that ate up all my time and energy but didn’t go anywhere. I didn’t know what to do.
Then for a little while I thought I had my calling. I knew it! I would be a witchy healer! And help people recover from burn-outs! And help creative people take care of themselves! And study to be a proper Pagan priestess doula! (Reading an interview with a doula set this off) Totally into it and everything!
…then some weeks later I dropped the whole thing, It stopped being interesting. I found that while I desperately wanted _someone_ to be a healer for _me_, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that myself.
At the same time, something else became interesting. I became involved with a production of the Vagina Monologues. I got on stage, first time in a lead role, and LOVED it. I took burlesque classes to get into character, and loved everyone there. I hung around, did more classes, did a circus traineeship, performed more…
One year (and a bit) later, I am now a performance artist (and have been deemed so by more than just me!). I’ve performed in events and festivals. I’ve also started a business that lets me help creative people take care of themselves, to avoid burn-out, by assisting them with their projects. The intention is still the same – healing creative types who do too much – I just changed the method to one that suited me better, to one that didn’t leave me wondering if I _really_ wanted to study anatomy.
So perhaps your calling to be a mother for alternative families is still there, but you need to find a different way. How about midwifery or doulaship? How about organising groups of mothers together? One of my best friends is a single mum and she’s often expressed her desire for a group of single mothers to get together because she’s struggling with doing it all on her own. Maybe you can organise other alternative types to provide surrogacy, childcare, and other services. The “mothering” aspect can still be there, and you can still work with alternative lifestyle people, without needing your cervix to be completely 100% ok.
best of luck.
I’m so very sorry. [*hugs*]
I’m so sorry, Kyeli :( That really, really sucks beyond words.
A thought: (and I apologize if this sounds callous, it was sparked by snowcrash’s comment) Maybe you could set up a connection service for freaky families looking for surrogate moms? I would think that would be needed, too. Not sure of the logistics though.
Best wishes, love!
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Marvelous Monday! =-.
{{{HUGS}}}
.-= BunnyKissd´s last blog ..One World, One Heart Winners! =-.
Oh, how awful, Kyeli! I am so sorry. May your eye soon catch a glimmer from a silver lining to this miserable cloud. But for now, just hugs and sympathy and hot cocoa.
.-= Patty Newbold´s last blog ..25 Relationship Bloggers Share Tips =-.
I think Tiara is on to something there, as well as the others. Our expectations of how things will happen aren’t always feasible within this realm of reality. Sometimes we’re in tune with the flow, and other times not. Why shouldn’t it work out the way we planned and expected? I just don’t know. I’m feeling locked out myself lately, having to come to terms with being incapable of doing what I strongly believed I was capable of doing, though not in the biological sense as yourself.
This alignment you speak of with Spirit, I’m figuring it’s a shared endeavor, and likely you both (i.e. you and Spirit) have some refiguring of how things will come about with this new circumstance. Personally, I’ve had to let these collaborations sneak up on me. Otherwise I somehow got in my own way by holding onto how I thought things had to happen in order to get there, onto the experiences I imagined would be perfect for me, would love to have had merged with my being. So, I end up experiencing a blindness (maybe selective ignorance) of detours around future impediments (beyond my conscience knowing, or acceptance) that are best avoided (arg! if you insist!) if I’m to ever make it to the type of scenic areas I’ve hoped to pass through.
I end up feeling like I painted myself into a corner, maybe because someone built the corner there while I wasn’t looking, and then I’m sitting there until the floor dries. Partly because I don’t want to make more of mess than what I’ve found myself in, but that’s just a superficial excuse. Deep down it’s because it’s a great opportunity to sit back and reflect on what it was I was really after, and then step out the door with a fresh outlook open to whatever happens to be out there when floor is no longer tacky. Or when I no longer care about walking on wet paint and can no longer wait to see what’s out there.
It still is very hard to let go even after I notice (rather, suspect with strong desire to deny) that I’ve got to take a different route, a different set of experiences that I haven’t imagined and can’t seem to dream about. I can’t think of anything that makes it easier to shift, it just happens when I’m ready, when I’m finally open to it, more often than not unknowingly.
So, all I know is it happens when I’m not looking, usually not long after I’ve given up on doing it they way that wasn’t working out, but had yet to imagine what other way could be possible. I’m usually in the middle of a new path that gets me there before I realize, or am ready to believe it this time, that there I am. Definitely this putting it out there, this letting the Universe know something is very important to you and what that something is, is part of opening up to new opportunities.
IOW, sounds like you’re on your way already, though how much longer before you’re in the midst of it all can only really be told after it happens and is reflected upon, as it seems to have been for me. I believe the flow is there, and that it’ll carry you with it as it has before, and your words are certainly hinting you’re feeling the tugs even if you don’t comprehend where it’ll take you and how as of yet. Instead of a sense of accomplishment in achieving your thought out goal, you may just very well have to settle for being very pleasantly surprised. I can honestly say I have yet to not enjoy the latter and certainly have had no real regrets, even if I do wonder occasionally about other paths that were beyond my means like the storybook tales they turned out to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there’s a need to settle and absolutely understand it now, as that always seems like it’s much easier and much more pertinent later when everything comes together retrospectively. Kind of like not counting our chickens before they hatch, eh? Therefore understanding beforehand would be artificial and incomplete if we try to explain it too soon. Hmm, for lack of a less associative idiom… (yikes!) Just a saying I grew up with and hold dear, no pun or direct association intended. /8-\
Right now, I’d say it’s all about churning up the waters as you scoot back and get a better view of where you are at right now in this moment, where you are launching from eventually, as you seem to already be doing naturally. ;-)
Humbled.
I apologize. I love you. Please forgive me. Thank you.
You are beautiful. Sprinkling you with glitter and healing loving sparkles in my mind. Seeing you in a safe garden of love and beauty full of healing energy – where everything is welcome including your pain, sadness, and devastation so it can have its life and be transformed into everything that supports you. You are good.
.-= Mona´s last blog ..Juice Feasting: How To Make Your Juice In Less Than 50 Minutes =-.
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