Comments on: Do you feel obligated to be generous and compassionate?

By: Hugs, Transparency, Guiltassion, Hedonism, & Boundaries « The Living Poet

Sat, 30 May 2009 00:17:54 +0000

[...] 2. Do You Feel Obligated To Be Generous and Compassionate? [...]

By: bramblekite

bramblekite — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:53:09 +0000

“Hence, from Kyeli’s point of view, the apology was meaningless.”

I have pretty much given up apologizing, because of this sort of thing.

IMHO, it’s not up to the person being apologized to to decide whether an apology is ‘real’ or not.

It’s up to the person being apologized to to decide “do I accept the apology?” and “do I forgive the person?” not to judge the apology or the apologizer’s motives, sincerity, word choice, bla bla bla. If you think the person is untrustworthy or insincere, or apt to do the same damn hurtful thing again, then go ahead and disengage, but there’s no reason to be openly scornful of the apology or the person making it.

By: Julia

Julia — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 16:06:41 +0000

Thank you for validating my tendency to do only those good things for other people that I WANT to do anyway. :)

By: Pace

Pace — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 23:18:18 +0000

@Cricket: And who knew you could blame it all on me! (;

@Michael: Hmm. That makes sense to me, but it still bugs me because it’s so disempowering. The feel of “I’m holding myself to a high ethical standard so I can be the kind of person I’d be proud to be” feels totally different from “I’m doing this because I’m obligated to by the entity to which I’ve outsourced my moral responsibility.”

@Ellen: Yes! The ought vs. want thing is something I’ve been working on for many years. It’s very insidious! Here’s a post I wrote about it if you’re curious as to some of my thoughts on the matter. http://www.alexshalman.com/2008/12/19/10-ways-to-improve-your-happiness-by-changing-your-vocabulary/

@Everyone else: YES! Thank you! (:

By: Megan M.

Megan M. — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:44:32 +0000

Look, it even has “ass” in it, because it’s an asinine thing to do. It also has “ion” in it, because it’s unbalanced. Electrically. Or something. Moving on.

ROFL!!! You’re awesome.

By: Ellen Naylor

Ellen Naylor — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 08:46:19 +0000

I think a lot of this “ought to do” is what’s behind guilassion and guilterosity. I would rather live my life in the “want to do.” However, I have a hard time expressing compassion unless I mean it or saying thank-you when I don’t want to. I would rather stay quiet or change the subject or leave! But I have to admit I do get roped into stuff when it comes to my elderly parents. When this first started I was in the “ought to do” mode, and in the last 5 years, it’s shifted to the “want to do,” which is a good thing since they’re 90+ and they need us kids to help them out. I figure they put up with me as a teenager…oh don’t even go there, right?!

By: JoVE

JoVE — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:11:46 +0000

Absolutely! Honesty is a much better virtue in my mind. And when you are yourself and being compassionate and generous in an honest and authentic way, it feels so much better. Like you want to do more of it. Where as that guiltassion and guilterosity always feels like you’re being put upon and sooner or later you get resentful.

By: Heidi Fischbach

Heidi Fischbach — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 23:09:13 +0000

I mean, Pace. Ooops. And now I’ll leave before I wink again. Did I really wink that much up there? i’m really not a winker, or so I thought.

By: Heidi Fischbach

Heidi Fischbach — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:39:30 +0000

Just a wink from “a new friend online” ;) Thanks for the post. Doing my best to stay open and honest and authentic — because yes, giving from a forced place sucks. And, likewise, there’s such a wanting to be openhearted and generous. Ahhhhh. I feel the paradox there. Thanks, Pacey ;)

By: Joely Black

Joely Black — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:34:29 +0000

I just love this post! I feel better just reading it.