show me someone who never stops caring for others, and i’ll show you someone who’s trying to defeat her belief in her own unlovability by milking others for gratitude.
show me someone who never stops caring for others, and i’ll show you someone who doesn’t feel safe when she can’t maintain the illusion that she controls external events.
show me someone who never stops caring for others, and i’ll show you someone who likes others to be weak and needy so she can feel strong.
show me someone who never stops caring for others, and i’ll show you someone who is so exhausted that she’s most likely to break just when she’s needed most.
show me someone who thinks of her own well-being first, and i’ll show you someone who has the capacity for focused, centered, whole-hearted attention.show me someone who thinks of her own well-being first, and i’ll show you someone who can be flexible and spontaneous in the face of the unexpected.
show me someone who thinks of her own well-being first, and i’ll show you someone who can delight in others’ independence and respect them enough to let them learn from their mistakes.
show me someone who thinks of her own well-being first, and i’ll show you someone with a bright spirit and a healthy body.
show me someone who thinks of her own well-being first, and i’ll show you someone who’s genuinely capable of thinking of someone other than herself.
This was written by a friend who wished to be quoted anonymously.
When I read it, it reminds me of the importance of holding healthy boundaries.
What comes up for you when you read it?
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
What comes up? The break-down I had last night. The looking outward instead of inward. The idea that self-care is selfish and, therefore, bad even though I know, or at least part of me knows, that that’s ass backwards.
This is the third thing I’ve read this morning that’s hit me over the head with the cosmic clue-stick. I get it, I hope, and thank you.
.-= Jennifer “Scraps” Walker´s last blog ..Sand Art =-.
Holy buckets! Cosmic clue-stick, indeed. (Jennifer, what an awesome phrase, thanks!) This is truly one of the best. posts. ever. Wow, just wow. Awesome insight. Thank you, anonymous.
.-= Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..How Can You Tell It’s Springtime in Minnesota? =-.
Wow, this is awesome, Pace, thank you! I was dealing with self-care in therapy this week. I’ve got a Puritan goodwife in my head who thinks idle hands are the devil’s workshop… and anything not objectively productive = idleness. Thus, self-care = idleness.
I love it when the same thing comes up for me in multiple places. Thank you for posting and thanks to your anonymous friend for writing it. Rock on!
I guess what comes up for me is that there’s a difference between “caring for others” and “taking care of others”. For me…I can’t really imagine not caring for others. That’s not something I can turn off. Taking care of myself doesn’t mean I stop caring for others. I can stop taking care of others, but I can’t really stop caring, and I know there’s an extent to which I need to keep that in balance by taking care of others because if there are others around me hurting, it hurts me too. But, I certainly can care for myself FIRST, and THEN care for others. I don’t have to STOP caring for others in order to do that.
.-= Oliver Danni´s last blog .. =-.
It reminds me of three things:
First, when I cared for everyone else, because I grew up in an abusive household, protecting my younger brothers. I learned that I had no value, but by helping others, I could feel as if my life had value, even if my self still did not.
That’s not a good recipe, which brings me to number two; the lesson I eventually learned, and have done my best to share with anyone who hasn’t learned it (so that maybe they can before going through the hell I had to…): You can’t help anyone if you can’t help yourself. (Of course, if they need to go through hell to get the message, learning this myself has allowed me to stand back and watch while they do it, so I can be around to help them afterwords.)
And numero tres: My grandfather. I found out the other day that my grandmother has Alzheimer’s. It’s been her worst fear all her life, because it runs in her family. She’s had to watch several of her siblings as well as her mother suffer from this disease… and now she’s far enough along that she’s like a totally different person. Unfortunately, this new personality she’s developed is spiteful, outright mean, and has no respect for the feelings of others…
Needless to say, it’s killing my grandpa. My family wants to help, but we know that if we try, it will only backfire. My grandpa has to come to the conclusion that he can’t keep handling her by himself. If we push him, he won’t go for getting help, and he’ll exhaust himself. If we wait, he’ll come around and get the help he needs to take care of her.
The phrasing is off-putting at first because I hear it describe two extremes: always serving others at the expense of yourself versus being completely self-centered. And I read judgment, saying that one is bad and one is good. And I feel like there must be a way to describe a healthy person’s mentality and instinct that combines the good from both sides of the equation.
The way I view my relationships with adults is an ebb and flow. We take turns being on our game. I call my BFF and check on her without milking her for gratitude, while her spirit is dark and her body is unhealthy. She rescues me from the middle of nowhere without needing me to be weak, while I need someone on whom I can depend.
Show me someone who has never allowed themselves to be weak, vulnerable and exhausted, and I’ll show you someone who has never had the opportunity to receive real love from someone who won’t stop caring. They’re missing out on the beauty of humanity.
And, of course, I think of my relationship with my kids. What if I tried to apply the above principles with my infant? I’d get arrested! (“But I figured that he would learn from his mistakes if he were hit by a car, officer.”) There’s got to be a better way to phrase this whole thing so that we don’t have to keep adding “except fors” at the end to account for children, elderly, and other special cases.
I appreciate that sometimes it takes strong statements like the above to jar unhealthy people into awareness of their boundary issues. It’s easy to start chanting a cleverly worded mantra and forget what it really means; then suddenly you’re on the opposite end of the problem, being too closed or open.
What’s wrong with the old phrases that have been perfected over time?
“Love your neighbor as yourself.”
@Amanda: *nods* It’s a combination of boldness and knowing your audience. The people who read the Freak Revolution blog are generally people who, if they’re going to err on one side of the line, are going to err on the “help others but don’t take good care of myself” line. If I posted “Love your neighbor as yourself”, people would nod and go on their merry way. It’s more precise, but it’s less bold. I totally hear how writing boldly can push people too far, onto the other side of the happy medium. I agree that’s a concern. But I’d rather take the risk of pushing too far than risk moving no one at all.
Makes me think about worrying for others…thinking about others…caring what others think….all these things that I do with others (that they don’t even ask me to do) that totally exhaust me and make me feel yucky.
And then instead if I care for me, and think about me and care about what I think…that’s MUCH more fulfilling and staying in my own business. Feels good to be in here with me instead of out there dealing with everyone else. Oxygen masks please!
For me what comes up is the fact that extremely abusive people have made me feel bad about the fact that I paid attention to anyone other than them by manipulating my capacity for caring about others into seeming like a bad or selfish thing.
It reminds me of the times people have gotten irritated that I wanted to return a found wallet, rather than keep it or throw it away.
It reminds me of how so much of what’s going on, right now in the U.S., boils down to “I got mine, fuck you.” Me first. My family first. My friends first. Me and Mine against you and yours. Post after post on facebook and elsewhere from people (many of them my family members) who seem horrified at the idea that one drop of sweat may contribute to the health or happiness of a human being they don’t approve of.
If it said “taking care of” instead of “caring for” it probably wouldn’t bring those feelings up. Were the phrasing better, I think the intention of the piece can be summed up by every flight attendant I’ve ever encountered when they say “Please secure your own mask before assisting others.”
For me what comes to mind are all those friends who I always suspect are too nice, but whom I envy because they are too nice and I’m sure I’m not the only one who views them that way and then compare them with me in a negative light. I’ve always thought that they’re sort of like door mats or they just overextend themselves.
For myself, I think this applies in controlling others, where my husband complains that I want him to be weak and stupid so I can control him…which is not really true, of course, but I do have control issues. I suppose I need to trust more and that trust begins with myself rather than with him or other people.
Good one.
.-= JESSU´s last blog ..When I grow up I want to be a Treasure Hunter…Purses! =-.
While this feels a little too black and white, I totally see myself in those words. I like to think of myself as a Helper Bee… but it’s not always a good thing. Too much, too controlling, too much wanting the gold star that means I did a good job.
And in my over-zealous desire to be on the lookout for ways to help others, I neglect myself. Or ignore myself, because that’s easier than the introspection, sometimes.
Thanks for the words.
.-= Laura´s last blog ..Seriously? =-.
Excellent – if you don’t put your own wellbeing first not only are you of no use to anyone else – you’re positively dangerous…
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