Comments on: It’s always okay to talk about how you feel

By: Pace

Pace — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 16:09:06 +0000

I'd suggest first listening to the emotions and reasons behind their unwillingness, then trying to get on the same team. If you can find some common ground you share, you can work on things together instead of trying to get the other person to talk about something they're resistant to. Starting these sorts of conversations from an adversarial position usually leads to more conflict, not less.

By: Andy

Andy — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 11:34:23 +0000

what would you suggest if the other person is willing to do this to the point where their uneasiness is put at ease, but unwilling to go back to the original conversation? i’m not in that position currently, but i have been in the past, and i’d like to figure out how to fix that *before* it becomes a problem, if i ever have to deal with it again.

By: Pace

Pace — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 17:35:58 +0000

Maybe I stopped the examples too early. What I intended was more like this:

Person A: “I feel this way.”
Person B: “That brings up something triggery or uncomfortable for me. Can we talk more about your feelings after we deal with my discomfort?”
A&B: *mutual agreement to put off discussion of Person A’s feelings until Person B’s feelings aren’t hurt anymore*
A&B: *resolve Person B’s issues*
A&B: *resolve Person A’s issues*

I didn’t intend to imply that A&B agreed to postpone ALL discussion. I meant that they would have some meta-communication about Person B’s reaction to what Person A said, then go back to the original topic afterwards. In my experience, trying to continue the original discussion after new hurt feelings arise is a recipe for disaster.

Does that help?

By: E

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 20:11:31 +0000

is it wrong that I’m reading this as

person a: I feel this way
person b: you talking about your feelings is really making me uncomfortable, can we talk more about your feelings after my feelings have been salved?
a&b: *mutual agreement to put off discussion of feelings until feelings aren’t hurt anymore*

How is that accomplishing anything?

By: Pace

Pace — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 20:23:51 +0000

I would ask them what they mean when they use that phrase. Dig a little deeper to see if there are any undertones. When they say “that makes me feel…”, are they saying that their feelings are entirely or partly caused by an external event? Or are they simply using that idiom without meaning anything of the sort?

Regardless, we’ve found that the words we choose have an effect on the way we think, so we like to rephrase things to be more accurate. If we find ourselves using the phrase “That makes me feel…” but we don’t actually mean that something is making me feel that way, then we like to rephrase those idioms. If we don’t, we’re subconsciously reinforcing the message that an external event does make us feel a certain way, and such message can slip in subtly. And plus, communication is simpler when you reduce the number of phrases that don’t add up to the sum of their individual words. (:

By: mrhuggles

mrhuggles — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:54:38 +0000

I can understand why saying “that makes me…” could raise a red flag when it comes to owning someone’s feelings, but for a lot of people, that’s just the idiom they use. How might you tell when someone is just speaking in a way that comes naturally and when it’s really cause for alarm?