A friend of mine was having a conversation with a woman he’s dating, and he said to her, “I believe our relationship is as intimate as it can be.”
Stop for a moment and think about how you would interpret that sentence.
What he meant was:
“Our relationship is as intimate as it’s gonna get. It’s not going any further than what it is now.”
What she heard was:
“Our relationship is as intimate as it’s possible for a relationship to be! Our intimacy is totally maxed out! It’s at the max! It’s totally at the max!”
Can you see how you could get both interpretations? Intepretation #1 is “Our relationship is as intimate as our relationship can be for us” and interpretation #2 is “Our relationship is as intimate as any relationship can be for anyone.”
Much later, she said to him, “Remember when you said that our relationship is as intimate as it’s possible to be?” He replied, “I never said that!”
Mayhem ensued.
Since our memories store concepts, not the exact words that were spoken, each person remembered their own interpretation of the conversation.
It was difficult to reconstruct what had happened, but it boiled down to a miscommunication of that one sentence.
What would you do differently to avoid the same miscommunication?
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
What would I do differently?
Well, what I would LIKE to do is either not say the ambiguous thing in the first place, or call out the ambiguity as quickly as possible.
What I ACTUALLY did in a similar situation was hear “it hurts when you tell me that” as “let’s not talk about this again” and spend, like, MONTHS agonizingly not talking about something important and painful. What was actually meant was exactly what was said, but I added that “let’s not talk” conclusion without checking with my partner, and I was wrong.
Since that incident, I’ve been pretty good at asking my partner, “I just heard you say [foo]; was that what you meant?” I’ve got a hit rate of less than 50%, so I’m glad I ask!
I personally hear (had to think for about 5-10 minutes to figure out how to word it right for non-me brains) “Our relationship is as intimate as I feel comfortable being with anybody.”
Weird, huh?
Well, I wouldn’t go about the issue in the way the male friend did, because I have a different take on intimacy.
As in, I wouldn’t make conclusions about the relationship, based on assumptions about the other person. I can only speak for myself, and even then, I can only speak for what I believe I am capable of or what I feel comfortable with (which may or may not be “true”) — when it comes to increasing intimacy.
Any assumption about how capable another person is of increasing intimacy in the future is only speculation. And that’s based on my view of intimacy, which is that it is intangible, unmeasurable, and ever infinite (by consent of the people involved in the relationship, it can always “increase,” “grow deeper”).
@Green, that’s what I hear too.
@Tanya, I agree that’s a vague thing to say. Sounds like a way to avoid what he really wants to say about the relationship and/or his comfort-level with intimacy, as Green mentioned. If he were really clear about what he thought and felt, he would talk specifics instead of an open-to-interpreation word like intimacy.
Thanks for the thought-inspiring post.
Makes me look back on my own miscommunications and remember how much pain resulted from *not* asking for clarity.
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Oh man. Married to the same man for 20 years, and we still trip up over the goofiest things… forget about the big stuff. I’ve identified two key differences in how we communicate, though it hasn’t helped a whole lot in practical application.
One: I (Virgo) need details and clarity. He (Pisces) deals in concepts. Very hard to pin down exactly what he wants. (And he assumes he’s being condescending if he has to spell something out)
Two: I’m an introvert. Words go through a series (many, many) filters before they get let out of the gate. If at all. Him: every little thing that pops into his head comes right out of his mouth. When he’s thinking out loud, I sometimes make the mistake of acting on what sounds to me like requests or directives. So then it’s either, why does everyone put so much stock in my words? OR I’ve said this a million times, why don’t you ever listen to me?
I know it comes to both of us being afraid to say what we mean .. I just don’t, or neglect to ask for more clarity, and he dodges the bullet.
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