One: I (Virgo) need details and clarity. He (Pisces) deals in concepts. Very hard to pin down exactly what he wants. (And he assumes he’s being condescending if he has to spell something out)

Two: I’m an introvert. Words go through a series (many, many) filters before they get let out of the gate. If at all. Him: every little thing that pops into his head comes right out of his mouth. When he’s thinking out loud, I sometimes make the mistake of acting on what sounds to me like requests or directives. So then it’s either, why does everyone put so much stock in my words? OR I’ve said this a million times, why don’t you ever listen to me?

I know it comes to both of us being afraid to say what we mean .. I just don’t, or neglect to ask for more clarity, and he dodges the bullet.

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As in, I wouldn’t make conclusions about the relationship, based on assumptions about the other person. I can only speak for myself, and even then, I can only speak for what I believe I am capable of or what I feel comfortable with (which may or may not be “true”) — when it comes to increasing intimacy.

Any assumption about how capable another person is of increasing intimacy in the future is only speculation. And that’s based on my view of intimacy, which is that it is intangible, unmeasurable, and ever infinite (by consent of the people involved in the relationship, it can always “increase,” “grow deeper”).

@Green, that’s what I hear too.

@Tanya, I agree that’s a vague thing to say. Sounds like a way to avoid what he really wants to say about the relationship and/or his comfort-level with intimacy, as Green mentioned. If he were really clear about what he thought and felt, he would talk specifics instead of an open-to-interpreation word like intimacy.

Thanks for the thought-inspiring post.

Makes me look back on my own miscommunications and remember how much pain resulted from *not* asking for clarity.

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Weird, huh?

What I ACTUALLY did in a similar situation was hear “it hurts when you tell me that” as “let’s not talk about this again” and spend, like, MONTHS agonizingly not talking about something important and painful. What was actually meant was exactly what was said, but I added that “let’s not talk” conclusion without checking with my partner, and I was wrong.

Since that incident, I’ve been pretty good at asking my partner, “I just heard you say [foo]; was that what you meant?” I’ve got a hit rate of less than 50%, so I’m glad I ask!