I forced myself to stay home on Monday to give myself a chance to process all the stuff going on.
I’m not doing a very good job of it, actually.
I keep thinking about how precious life is, but I can’t seem to get unstuck enough to feel like I’m doing anything useful about it. I want to shop. I want to drink dangerous amounts of coffee. I want to read brain-candy books. I want to cry, but the tears don’t come. I want to hide, but at the same time I want to surround myself with friends and activities. I want magick and I want mundanity. I want to lay on my porch swing and watch the clouds, curl up on the couch with my best friend’s infant on my chest, bury my face in my cat’s soft tummy. I want to run til I collapse, push myself too far on my elliptical, and scream til my lungs give out. I feel like I have an insane paradox-hurricane whirling around in my chest.
All the while, I’m watching the clock tick and the days fly by. I’ve got a wedding extravaganza in three weeks, where a large number of my favorite people in the world will be converging at my house for 4-6 days. I’ve got a honeymoon in seven weeks – a trip to Ireland where it’s starting to look like we’ll be sleeping in the bonny heather for two weeks.
And I care, but I’m just watching the time go by. I’m craving stillness, but also a kind of slowness and fastness. A weird combination of social and isolation.
A week before my cousin died, a friend of mine died. She was the kind of person who made everyone she encountered feel warm and safe and loved. I only spent a few hours total with her, but I wanted to know her better. I wanted to spend gobs of time with her, but we never seemed to be able to be free at the same time – and I admit, I didn’t try very hard. Not hard enough, at any rate, and for reasons that pale now. And now she’s gone, and I’ll never get the chance. And my heart hurts, and I miss her so much. I doubt she even knew how much I cared about her, and I’ll never get the chance to tell her the way I wish I had.
I keep wondering what else I might be letting slip that I’ll so deeply regret – and then feeling so overwhelmed, I can’t be useful.
I feel like I’m on the edge of something big, but I’m too… something… to see past all this fog. Scared, maybe. Overwhelmed? Something.
I have no idea how to deal with any of this. I feel like I’m making progress, but then I feel like I’m kidding myself.
Have you read the Connection Manifesto? It tells the story of why there is so much hurt and sadness in the world, and how we can heal through connection.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Ky, I know it is hard not to grieve for what might-have-been. You have chosen a world founded on bringing the potential into reality – so seeing potential fail is very real.
However, there will always the road not taken. Make the most of the choices you have made, of the now. It is all you’ve got.
Even if you choose to be still and silent – BE still and silent. Live it. Love it. Move on – things are gonna change anyway. And everything will be alright, if you let it.
*hugs*
Awwww… its so hard to feel like nothing is moving or processing. I don’t know what to tell you, other than when I have these feelings (and I know they aren’t likely the SAME, because I can’t know what you feel right now, but similar “OMG I need to process and get some movement on this, but my spirit/soul/mind/body is energetically constipated” feeling) I write… I write it out, I compulsively write, I tangle myself into knots and then slowly start to see what patterns I shake out. And when I get the threads OUT somewhere, I can find a way to USE them — knit them into warm socks, tie them up around a package, sew up a past hurt with them…
It will take time, and all your friends and family will be here to help you when you need it… :)
You’re doing good, even if it doesn’t feel like its happening as quickly as you might want… (HUGS)
.-= Pam (@moonslark)´s last blog ..Paradigm: This is the Life I Envision =-.
Kyeli,
What you have today is fine enough. And there will be time enough for all the rest. Sometimes laying on a swing and watching clouds drift puts loss in its proper place, if only for a minute. Letting the sad have its due, or drinking mad amounts of coffee, we need that. If we can’t grieve, we can’t feel joy as well… and you’ll need that when tramping through your Irish heather…
After all the only cure for death, is living.
I wish you hugs today.
Grief isn’t easy.
I believe that you’re right in feeling that you’re on the edge of something, but let me encourage you – that SOMETHING will come to you whether or not you are whirling around inside the hurricane. Resting and learning to be at peace again in spite of all this pain and heartache will help you internalize whatever it is that’s waiting for you. Resting and being at peace will help you see it for what it is.
I understand how you’re feeling, and I wish I could hold you and tell you it’s going to be fine in the end, that you’re going to be more than fine in the end. You’ll be brilliant. You’re on your right path.
*hugs*
When C. S. Lewis lost his beloved wife to cancer, he poured out his thoughts into a series of notebooks–all the rage, all the self-pity and all the questions about his faith in God that were raised. The results were eventually published as A Grief Observed, but at the time he was simply writing for his own sanity.
Perhaps you should consider the same. Get a notebook and write everything out–it doesn’t have to be for the world, it simply has to be for yourself. I find that free writing helps ease the pressure of too many thoughts, allows me to examine the questions and even come up with answers.
Hope it helps. And don’t beat yourself up for not recovering on schedule–there is no schedule for these things.
.-= Sheila´s last blog ..Scribble Your Way to Liberation: The Shit Book =-.
Kyeli,
I agree with what Rachael said.
Also, I can see all kinds of stuff in this post about who you think you should be being right now and how you should be acting. How about just letting yourself be you and go with whatever you feel like doing. Give yourself the time and space for some peace to come in. Stop making yourself wrong. It is all good.
I wonder what would happen if you asked the Universe…or the Goddess…or who ever you ask for guidance….to help you transition through this and to show you what that “something” is.
In order to receive the answer you need to make some space for it.
How do you want to feel in all this? What would feel better to you?
Big Hugs to you,
Leah
.-= Leah/DefytheBox´s last blog ..Trapped, Miserable and Bitchy =-.
(*HUG*) there’s some great advice here; I don’t have any that hasn’t already been said quite well above. I do have hugs in lieu of advice, if you’d like them. :)
Well, there are a lot of things you want to do, some that are grief/processing centered and others that are moving on oriented. It’s a good list. Everyone’s talking about how there’s no schedule for recovery, but if you’re totally stuck, perhaps a schedule is what you need. Maybe one per day from the list will help you jump start the processing or the getting shit done?
I wish I knew what to say to help ease your hurt, but I am always at a loss for words when someone loses a loved one. I have never had to handle this and I wish I had something inspiring or hopeful or helpful to say. All I can say is that I am here for you if you need me.
.-= Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..The Familiarity Factor and What it Means For Your Success =-.
i keeping reading your posts with a heart that aches for you wishing i could do or say something that would help. and yet, here you are, inspiring ME to reach out to dear friends i have known forever that i love and have been “too busy” to even email. Thank you… I know it doesn’t help with the hurting, but know that writing your pain… sometimes it helps others… lots of love and hugs to you!
.-= kate´s last blog ..Oh, for Craft’s sake! =-.
Life is just so precious. There’s nothing more than just living in the moment, making the most of the little bits of it we were given.
You’ve got all my love and support Kyeli-girl. *hugs*
.-= Nathalie Lussier´s last blog ..You’re Invited to a Delicious Raw Halloween Party =-.