I’m rather severely depressed.
I caught a cold this week from my kiddo. It gives me the excuse to sit around all day and do nothing, to take NyQuil to help me sleep – and then sleep til 1pm the next afternoon. But really, that’s all I want to do right now anyway. Sleep and do nothing.
I don’t want to see people, but I’m lonely. I don’t want to go out, but I’m feeling stir crazy. I hate my hair, I hate my glasses, I hate all my clothes, I hate my environment and my stuff. I wander around the house feeling empty and ghost-like, and even my reflection is haunted, my eyes dark and clouded.
I lay in bed at night and feel my heart beat. It’s still there, still beating, pouring life and energy through me. But I’m so detached. I feel like a visitor in this temple, left with only the vague memory of it once being important – and not all that long ago. But I’m so ravaged by the hurt, so caught up in betrayal and dismay and heartbreak, that this place seems long abandoned.
The eye of the hurricane has closed around me, and I’m caught here, spinning and spinning and lost, adrift in the ache, detached from the moorings that once could have guided, removed from the light that once held me steady – forcibly removed, by my own hand. Unsure, uncertain – and at the moment, unwilling – to find the way back.
Have you read the Connection Manifesto? It tells the story of why there is so much hurt and sadness in the world, and how we can heal through connection.
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This too shall pass – hang on in there……
.-= Georgina´s last blog ..Spring Cleaning =-.
When you’re ready, reach out.
Until then, I’ll be thinking of you.
…hoping you find some peace.
I wish I had the perfect words of comfort to help ease your misery, Kyeli. Georgina is right, this too shall pass. Blessings to you.
Hugs to you. I’m glad you have a cold so you can give yourself full permission to do nothing. Sometimes that’s all there is to do. And at some point there will be something else that is the next right thing, and you’ll do that. I’ve never found a well-lighted paved path to lead me out of the darkness. There’s only the next right thing.
Your feeling of being a visitor in your own home, reminded me of Rumi’s poem, The Guest House (my favorite section pasted in below) – I just wanted to share it.
The Guest House – Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Silence =-.
Been there, done that. :)
You just have to push through each day, one at a time. Eventually, one of two things will happen: You’ll reach the other side, or you’ll know there isn’t another side. In the first case YAY! and in the second, you have to find a way to motivate yourself to dig out with your fingernails.
And either way, there *is* a way through it.
{{{hugs}}}
.-= BunnyKissd´s last blog ..One World, One Heart Winners! =-.