Another epiphany brought to me by Dianne Sylvan and her incredible book, “The Body Sacred”.
There is a distinct lack of male energy in my life.
I’m not sure how much I need it. I’m still trying to figure that out. But I am sure that a big reason I don’t have much is because I’m afraid.
And I can’t be having with that.
I’ve a long history of abuse in my life, almost entirely from men. I grew up in a patriarchal religion where God was supposed to be like a father, but was jealous and prone to acts of random violence and unfairness. I didn’t feel comforted by that. In fact, it sort of set the precedent for the rest of my relationships with men. The only men I’ve dated were abusive to me. All the sex I’ve had with men was abusive or hurtful.
It bled over into my spirituality, too. I have tried in the past to connect with male deities, but never felt safe. So many of them come across to me as sex-crazed, out to possess me or own me or dominate me or control me – and I most certainly do not want that. There are so many stories of gods possessing mortal women, stories of rape and violence, domination, objectification.
In general, I see men as sex-crazed, out to possess or own or dominate or control me. Men want women to do as they’re told, stay silent and docile, and produce fine, strong sons. Right? This ties into my self-esteem issues, wanting to stay fat to be protected from further sexual abuse (though all the abuse I’ve lived through happened regardless), self-sabotage with my appearance to avoid being seen… It’s deep stuff.
Oy.
The men in my life now are gentle, funny, sweet, open, kind souls. I feel nurtured by our friendships, comforted by their affection, safe in their presences. They are a rare breed, and I feel lucky for having so many of them so close to me. (I love you guys!)
But outside my circle, I perceive men as dangerous.
This isn’t finished for me. I’m still processing, still feeling out what’s going on deep under my surface. I think I want to find and connect with a male deity that feels like my friends. That feels like a healing thing to do, a good furthering step.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
{hug}
Kyeli, that’s such a tough wound to heal. I really connect with this energy which is strange because I almost always connected with men when I was a kid. My godfather, family friends, they were all amazing men. But the immediate relationship with my abuser still took it’s toll.
I know you’ll be able to process this in just the right way for you.
.-= Hayden Tompkins´s last blog ..The Power of a Deadline =-.
It’s a sad thought that you’ve had such bad relationships with men, such that you feel that men outside your inner circle are “dangerous”.
In a sense, we are dangerous: in general, men are physically stronger than women (though of course this is not always true). However, that doesn’t mean we seek to possess or dominate women: I would say that we usually seek to impress, protect and nurture the women around us. It is good that you seem to have found a set of male friends whose friendships you find nurturing. I hope you can expand that set so that the unpleasant relationships are a minority.
As to a male deity, I find that the Green Man is a powerful deity to work with. As the active force behind all life and nature he is loving, nurturing and caring, providing the strength, energy and vitality to help life succeed in the harshest of conditions. In the spring and summer you can really feel his presence. But then, I have an affinity for nature spirits — I often see tree spirits, and enjoy conversing with and being energised by the air spirits in the wind.
I hope you find a male deity that you can work with; I think that this is something sorely lacking from many people’s pagan practice, just as a female deity is missing from so many mainstream religions. You need both, for balance. Though I might focus on one or the other in any particular instance, I feel it important to have both a god and a goddess in my spiritual life.
Kyeli, have you ever spent any time with Dian Y Glas, the Blue God? (See Paul Rucker’s gorgeous version of him here: http://www.paulruckerart.com/pages/g-gds-dianYGlas.html) A web search on his name will pull up all kinds of information. He’s gentle, ecstatic, and oh so queer — might be an energy you can connect with.