Lately, I’ve been feeling resistance to writing. Maybe I’m in the dip, maybe I’ve gotten so many words out that it’s no longer easy, and the lack of ease makes it… well… harder? I don’t know. But I’ve started dreading my return to 750words.com, wishing I had excuses that felt more solid and believable so I could skip writing, just for one day?
But then I think, it’s not that hard. It’s just 20 minutes, usually less, and it feels good to get words out, right?
Yes, yes, it does. But I don’t want to do it! I resist and protest and squirm, thrash about on the internet in the hopes of finding something pressing I need to do urgently, anything to keep me from writing for the day. But as the hours tick by and I avoid and avoid, I get less and less happy. I feel less and less good about avoiding. It’s funny, it starts off with a merry sense of bother; I don’t want to write and who cares! It’s no big deal! I’ll just… um… read Facebook for an hour.
With that done, I dip into Twitter. Then look! I’ve got emails! They need my attention, yes? Yes, of course. I finish those and then… hey… look! I’ve got new posts in Google Reader by people I adore huge lots! I’ve got to read those and comment on a few of them. Need to support my community-mates, after all. Okay, that’s done… so I’ll look on Etsy. Clearly, I desperately need to shop for something, right? Hmmm, but then I remember I don’t actually want to spend money because I’m learning to counter my retail therapy reaction, so I drop off Etsy quick-like lest I be tempted.
So then I start all over. Facebook, Twitter, email, g-reader. Thrash, thrash, avoid. I’ll talk to Pace about nothing, which irritates her. I’ll round up my cat and pet him. I’ll check the mail too early, just for the excuse of walking to the mailbox and back. I’ll lurk in the kitchen when I’m not hungry.
Avoid avoid.
Anything to keep from writing.
It’s amazingly similar to how I react when I want to exercise, too. Avoid avoid. Procrastinate. Anything but.
But when I think about it, I don’t understand it. I love writing. I love exercising. Both make me feel more alive, more connected to myself, more real. I push my boundaries with both. I feel pride in accomplishing both.
But, with both, I have to ride the line between choosing to and have to – as soon as I have to write, I’m done. I’ll never accomplish it. I’ll procrastinate and fuss, thrash and avoid til the sun sets. I write because I love to write. I exercise because I love to exercise. I do what I love because to do anything else is a waste of precious time.
Why, then, do I thrash and avoid so? I feel so deeply aligned with writing, so deeply connected to it. It’s the first thing I’ve ever done that feels 100% for me, even when I’m writing for the blog. Even when I’m writing for someone else specifically, I feel like I’m writing for me. (Unless it’s “copy”. As soon as writing becomes “marketing”, I’m toast.) I feel more connected to myself when I write every day. I feel more connected to life when I write every day.
Yet still, I avoid. I procrastinate. I thrash.
It’s an interesting sensation, this avoidance of the one thing I feel so passionate about. Am I punishing myself, pushing away from the activities that bring me the most pleasure? What am I afraid of? I’m certainly afraid; I don’t avoid when I don’t feel fear. Where does the fear come from? What’s that about?
I think it’s the dip.
I get really into something, and I pledge to do it every day. I know that’s what I most want. I start up, and I’m loving it. I find it easy, fun, enjoyable. But then it becomes a little harder. I hit some kind of wall, and it’s not so easy anymore. Maybe my legs tire out in minutes, or maybe I feel like I’ve written all I have to say. So I hit the wall, and sitting down to write isn’t fun anymore. It’s hard. It’s an effort. I have to think, I have to work to get the words out, whereas before they just flew from my fingertips and soared into my computer. Now I have to work hard. I look at the screen and wonder what will come out next, and I sigh and feel frustrated when the answer isn’t readily available.
I think this is poison. We get the impression that the things we love will be easy, fun, enjoyable every time we sit down to do them. Writing, painting, exercising, cooking – if we enjoy it, then it’ll be effortless. It’s like the myth of the one true love – we’re gonna find our one true love, know instantly, and live happily ever after.
But happily ever after is misleading. We can certainly live happily ever after, but nowhere does it say happily equals easily. Sometimes, happy takes a lot of work. This is true for relationships – and I’m beginning to see it’s true for passions. I love Pace, but that doesn’t mean every conversation we have will be pleasant. It doesn’t mean we’re going to get along smoothly and without conflict for the rest of our lives. And the reverse holds: having conflict does not mean we don’t love each other, and it doesn’t mean we can’t be happy.
I love writing, but that doesn’t mean I’ll never have conflict with my words. It doesn’t mean I’m going to easily and smoothly write every time I do so. And just because I have conflict with writing, that doesn’t mean it’s not the perfect thing for me to be doing.
I’ve said it before and it bears repeating: happily ever after does not mean easily. Sometimes, the really good stuff is worth working really hard for.
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I always find that when I am not ready to deal with something, or I am trying to hide from some reality that don’t think I am ready for, strong enough for, etc… I avoid like crazy. I avoid quiet, I avoid writing online, I avoid writing in my journal, I avoid trying to create, I avoid exercising (because it gives me head-space to think)… I try to fill myself with things that will keep me from experiencing doubt or pain or anything “unpleasant”… even though most of the time the unpleasantness of it is usually way less than the frustration and pain of AVOISION.
It is true that happily ever after is not “easily ever after”… the easiest relationships are usually ones where there is nothing substantial holding them together…
.-= Moon’slark/Pam´s last blog ..And the Walls come Tumbling down =-.
you are SO in my head lately!! sorry for all the cobwebs, it’s a bit cluttered in there :) YES i am avoiding my passions as well. i was asking myself the same questions, why? is frustration and angst over the NOT doing it better than the just doing it?! but i think you hit the nail on the head – it’s when it gets hard and it feels like ‘work’.
you just made me decide to create a ‘no avoid’ time slot and that time slot of an hour (just assigned that!) will be dedicated space to complete anything that i am avoiding. Same time every day! And if i can’t fit it all in the hour, at least i have created a space of non-avoidance.
THANK YOU for this :)
What a beautiful post!! Very timely for me. I love the idea that there is indeed a happily ever after, and that the very work that can seem challenging or tedious but that inside I knoooooowwwww is the way to go – that work contains the seeds of ongoing happiness.
Thank you thank you thank you. You have just articulated what I’m going through in another area of my life right now, today.
I bet that blot post was 750 words. Just sayin.
I know this well, and I wonder if the root of the behaviour in my avoidance could be similar to one of the roots of yours: fear.
When I find I’m avoiding writing (or most other things actually) it comes down to the fact that in my head, the story is perfect, and that when it’s brought into the world, it will become imperfect. My inner perfectionist then tells the rest of the committee that it’s better to avoid that disappointment, and that means not writing.
It’s taken years for me to find a way to get around this. It comes down to a two-part process: 1)Realising that a first draft *should* be rubbish and 2) Saying out loud to myself before I write “I give myself permission to write complete and utter crap.”
It sounds silly, but it works every time. If I don’t keep that fear in perspective, I can persuade myself that what I am about to write will dictate my success or failure as writer or person full stop, and even my worthiness as a human being (those are on the really bad days). But editing rubbish is so much easier than editing nothing at all.
And you know the funny thing? Once I give myself that permission, I write smoothly, happily and generally, the writing needs less editing.
Of course, there may a completely different root for you, and heavens, please forgive me if this advice is out of place – I so rarely give advice as I fear I’ll cause more harm than good, but in this, I just had to speak. Yes, the worth while stuff is hard, I agree with you completely. Being a writer is hard, but in the most blissful, satisfying way.
I like the idea of journalling everyday. My 3 pages garner much clarity and insight. But I had to give myself permission not to do it everyday, or it became a chore. And doing things for me shouldn’t be a chore, right?
Oh golly, you’ve done it again.
I feel like you’ve been spying on me. But I’m glad because then you’ve interpreted my actions for me and made it understandable and given me motivation!
Lately I find that I am often saying to myself, “Just because it’s right, doesn’t mean it will be easy”
You’re right. Just because you love something does not mean it will be easy. I think that people sometimes think that “true art” is supposed to just flo. Bunkum! I wrote what turned out to be a best selling (here in New Zealand) paranormal novel and it was the hardest work I’d ever done. Loved it/hated it by turns. I was enormously happy whilst writing, felt very fulfilled – but it wasn’t easy.
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I am so happy I read this. You summed up something I go through often (because I move from one passion to the next so much) with words that truly resonate. I’m glad you mustered up the effort to write this gem because it was well worth reading.
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I do the exact same thing!! Including the twitter, FB, email, and blogs.
Sometimes I feel that I just need a little head space to let my thoughts settle in. They always come out when they are ready.
But other times I am avoiding because I’m not sure what to write, or I’m feeling the pressure to perform and produce in some way.
The clearer I am on which one of these things is happening the faster I move through it.
I agree whole-heartedly that happiness is often something that we have to work for. But it is my favorite thing to work towards ;-)
Leah´s most recent post: How to Create a Kick-Ass Life-Part 2
Thank you for explaining this to me. I hardly ever feel like I want to write (except, of course, when I can’t) but I never understood that as I love writing. One thing I have noticed is that the more I do it, the easier it becomes. It’s just forcing myself to do it in the first place. Once I’ve solved that problem I’m happy to write, write, write!
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I can’t thank you enough for this! It was like reading my own mind.
I’ve been struggling so much lately with the avoidance problem and confusion was setting in because I was avoiding what I love to do, what I feel I was born to do – write. How could that be? And I got pretty hard on myself and started feeling like a failure who’d never have the willpower or self-discipline to accomplish anything in life, much less actually writing for a living.
I know now I’m not alone. I knew other writers experienced procrastination and resistance to writing, but I never knew they felt quite so much like me. This gives me hope – if they can overcome it, so can I; regardless that I know I am inherently lazy!
I just can’t thank you enough. This came into my life at *just* the right time (as these things often do). Namaste & so many blessings and thanks.
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What an awesome post! I find myself struggling with the same things as a writer. The hardest part is often just doing it. But, like you mention, happily not does equal easily. That’s a great reminder and motivator!
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