Today is my 33rd birthday.
I have always looked forward to my birthday with bright anticipation. I’ve held on to the childlike delight throughout my life.
When I was little, I believed my birthday was a national holiday, because it always fell during Spring Break – I never once had to go to school on my birthday. My family was divided, so I always had a Dad’s Family Birthday Party and a Mom’s Family Birthday Party, and when I was old enough, I got a third party – the Kyeli’s Friends Birthday Party. This made my birthday a week-long celebration, wherein I was treated like a rock star and showered with extra love, affection, presents, and the ability to choose where we ate and what we did.
And my 33rd birthday – wow! 33 is this amazingly awesome number, so curvy and pretty and full of 3′s. It’s my favorite double-digit number. I’ve been looking forward to this birthday since I was old enough to count that high.
I’ve used my birthday as a milestone, as an event marker, as the announcement date for important things, time and again.
And there have only been two times in my life I regretted that.
The first time was the year I lost my little baby girl. My first ultrasound was scheduled on my birthday, so I could see her for the first time. After I miscarried, I dreaded my birthday with feelings so heavy they could sink ships.
And now, this year, on the dawn of my most-ever anticipated birthday, my heart is again heavy.
Today, I was going to launch Womb for Rent. My surrogacy business.
Twice in my life, my womb has been instrumental in my sorrow. Twice, when I felt I would be celebrating the life I would bring into the world on the day I came into the world, I am instead mourning the lives I will not create – and the life I will not have.
Today, I will celebrate the day of my birth. I will be with my wife. I will talk to my family. I will see friends. I will surround myself with joy – and I will take some quiet time to honor my grief.
A new year, a new chapter. New beginnings and potential swirl around me, and I wonder where they will take me from here.
Have you read the Connection Manifesto? It tells the story of why there is so much hurt and sadness in the world, and how we can heal through connection.
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And a solstice on top of that! Quite an auspicious birthday, indeed.
Many Happy Returns!
Happy Birthday, Kyeli! I’ve been enjoying following your twitter surprise scavenger hunt antics. Sounds like a fun time, indeed :)
.-= Scraps´s last blog ..Cunning with Scissors =-.
Happy birthday, Kyeli. I hope it is as happy as it can be for you, and I hope your grief is short and insightful.
Happy Birthday!! :-)
.-= E. Foley – Geek’s Dream Girl´s last blog ..Meeting People From The Internet Does Not Result In Axe Murder =-.