For me it often happens with hugs – I’ll give someone a half hug and I get the “c’mon that’s the best you can do?”. Then I hug them in a way that makes me totally uncomfortable because I’m afraid to speak up and cause a scene.
.-= Laura´s last blog ..Marketing for Shy People: How Social Media Can Help =-.

There’s a piece of this from a boundary point of view that I think is important. The kind of person/behavior you’re describing is oriented on the group, not the individual. Even though the hookups may be one-on-one the ubiquitous focus makes it a group dynamic. It’s been my experience that ONLY embarrassing people like this in front of the group and bringing the hidden dynamic to the light really works. Part of the problem is the group rules about politeness and appropriateness.

That’s not your job as the person on the spot, but something to think about. Perhaps a role for the host(s) of one of many the parties where this has happened?

The way that this gets hard for me is in boundaries that aren’t about my physical body. Does “I need you to do/not do X so that I will feel safe” count as a reasonable request when X is, say “not yell at me?” What do I do when someone with whom I have a treasured relationship — a friend, a family member, a partner — cannot or will not respect that? What about when our needs honestly conflict? How do I balance “I understand that your intention is not to violate my boundaries” with “I have explained to you that the effect of that behavior is to violate my boundaries?”

Good stuff to think about. Thank you.

The only two counselling sessions I have ever had both spoke about my inability to set boundaries. I thought it was just my special head that allowed this to happen. It’s good to know it isn’t.

The issue is coming up again, most recently in the last week, and this post may help me to communicate my past to the people who need to know.
.-= Krin´s last blog ..Year of the Tiger. pt 1 =-.

I heard from one girl that martial arts helped her with this sort of thing, because it becomes a gut reaction. Instead of having to cut through all the inner gunk that makes standing up for yourself so difficult, it’s just a matter of reflexively counter attacking when someone attacks you, since you’ve practiced doing it so many times.

If tons and tons of time, your practice partner has run at you, and you’ve thrown them, then when someone runs at you in real life, you throw them, because that’s what you’ve practiced doing.

That’s a shortcut. Cutting through the inner gunk may be more difficult, but it might also be more rewarding. Also important to note that the two aren’t mutually exclusive paths.
.-= scwizard´s last blog ..D&D! =-.

UGH. UGH!!

First of all, ew. Second of all, what you’ve described is a sexual predator. And what makes me so angry about all of this, aside from the fact that you had to deal with this, is that I’ve done the same thing…not spoken up when I should have. Not set boundaries when I needed to. Not been willing to YELL no matter how it ‘makes me look’.

Thank you for writing about this.

Meanwhile, WHY IS THIS SEXUAL PREDATOR STILL GETTING INVITED TO PARTIES?

I really like this take — and I really like that you went through a couple of options including this one. I’ve gone to the extent of repeating over and over to myself, “Sorry, I’m not comfortable with that,” to make it more likely that I would actually say it if a situation came up. I really like the fierce “Back off. You’re making me uncomfortable.” I will definitely use it. It’s killer.

Good vibes, lady.
.-= Megan M.´s last blog ..Phonetic Scrabble =-.

Another word I like is “ferocious”. I got that from Pete Michaud. One of the reasons I started reading Pete Michaud’s blog, which I now enjoy tremendously, was because he commented that he surrounds himself with ferocious women.
.-= Karilee´s last blog ..3 Reasons to Build Your WordPress Blog Today =-.