“We said we would look into other conference call sites, but we didn’t,” said Kyeli.
“We haven’t yet,” I interjected.
Mayhem ensued.
I had stepped on one of Kyeli’s landmines; she feels that I don’t acknowledge the differences between our concepts of time. For me, “now” is the current instant, but for her it’s the whole current day. “We didn’t” versus “We haven’t yet” triggered this landmine of time once again. And the reason I felt the need to interject was because Kyeli had accidentally stepped on one of my landmines; my insecurity about failing to Get Stuff Done.
Once we talked through our feelings and triggers, we got to a place where we could explore our differences without anyone getting blown up. We found some interesting things.
“didn’t” vs. “haven’t”
For me, “We didn’t do this” implies that it’s now too late. There was a time to do it, and that time has passed. “We haven’t done this” implies that it’s not yet too late.
For Kyeli, they both mean about the same thing. It’s not yet too late.
“I didn’t open it” vs. “I haven’t opened it”
Let’s say we’re conversing about some event in the past, for instance my trip to Finland, and I’m telling you about a present I received while I was there. If I say, “I didn’t open it,” I mean that I didn’t open it during my trip to Finland. But if I say, “I haven’t opened it,” that means that not only did I leave it closed during the Finland trip, it’s still closed now.
For Kyeli, they both mean about the same thing. It may or may not be open now. Now if I had said, “I haven’t opened it yet,” that would mean it’s still closed now, but “I haven’t opened it” is still ambiguous to her.
“I didn’t visit my family” vs. “I haven’t visited my family”
Imagine it’s nearly the end of the year. If you say, “I didn’t visit my family this year,” I’d be really surprised if you then go and buy last-minute plane tickets. But if you say, “I haven’t visited my family this year,” I wouldn’t be surprised, because for me the present perfect tense (e.g. haven’t) indicates potential openness whereas the simple past (e.g. didn’t) indicates closedness and finality.
For Kyeli, they both mean about the same thing.
The usual error strikes again!
Our miscommunication was, of course, caused by the usual error. I was using my definitions of words and tenses to interpret Kyeli’s words, and she was using her definitions to interpret my words. I’m glad we got to the bottom of our miscommunication, because I feel closer to Kyeli now that I’ve learned something new about how she sees the world, and I find our different viewpoints on time and tense really interesting.
We’d be interested in hearing your viewpoints, too. (:
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
HAHAHAHA! This is hilarious. I’m totally on Kyeli’s side on this one.
My husband promised me he’d clean up the left side of the bed. (Where he dumped a bunch a crap when he moved in.) Every other month or so I’d be all “Yo, left side of the bed?” And he’d tell me “I’m working on it” or “I’ll get to it”, and I’d leave it at that because I didn’t want to be all naggy.
…until a YEAR LATER, I finally LOST IT. Lo and behold, he had it cleaned up and put away in under an hour.
When I asked him what the deal was, he just said he hadn’t not done it and that he meant to do it, which meant that he knew he needed to do it and so it was on his list of things to do but never had enough priority to him to get it done.
What it came down to was an issue of priorities. It was never high on his priorities until I lost my mind, which moved it IMMEDIATELY to priority #1.
Anyway, I know you’re a fan of Steve Pavlina’s so I’ll pretend he said this. Don’t commit to doing something unless you are absolutely 100% going to make it happen. That way people can trust you when you say something and the Universe takes your word as law.
Anyway, you’re totally literal, so you don’t think you haven’t ‘gone back on your word’. But you can “I haven’t yet” yourself to the grave. Just think about it is all I’m saying.
Huh, I hadn’t even thought about how “I haven’t yet” relates to priorities and commitment. I definitely agree that it’s important to have those things be totally transparent and to talk about them openly so that those sorts of misunderstandings don’t happen.
In our case, it wasn’t an issue of procrastination, it was an issue of “is it too late?” We hadn’t communicated clearly about what our deadline was for this task, and to me, “We didn’t do it” meant that we had missed the deadline, but “We haven’t done it yet” meant that it wasn’t too late. Sure, if your tasks have no explicit deadlines and a not-so-high priority, they might not get done for a long time.
But yeah, I of course agree that it’s good to keep your word and to hold to your commitments. I think I’m already on that bus. *checks her ticket*
I’m on the side of the present perfect tense as well. I suppose the finality of the past tense is just too much for me to handle. For most things, it is still possible to accomplish the task even if a deadline has passed. Now, if there were a contract deadline that I missed, I would most certainly use the past tense, but only if the project were canceled. If it is still being done, then present perfect all the way. But that’s just me.