Our second-to-last vow was very non-standard.
to put my best effort and highest priority toward solving major problems in our relationship, and, if those problems remain unsolvable after a year and a day, to let you go.
In our modern culture, we learn the one-true-love myth. We’ll find that one perfect mate, bond, and spend the rest of our lives in bliss.
It’s a faerytale. Lovely, but not always true. Sometimes we grow apart. Sometimes we realize mistakes unrepairable or divides unbridgeable.
Pace and I love each other so much. I can’t imagine a time where I’d rather be without her or vice versa. I can’t imagine an issue we can’t work through.
But if it happened, if the time came where she was miserable and I was miserable and we tried and tried to make it better and eventually found that we couldn’t…
I would want her to go.
I want happiness for her in all things, and if our relationship no longer provided that, I would want to set her free to find it elsewhere.
And I would want that for myself, too.
And knowing that, holding that in our hearts, gives us far more space to work through things than otherwise.
Have you read the Connection Manifesto? It tells the story of why there is so much hurt and sadness in the world, and how we can heal through connection.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this! Wow. That’s a brave vow to make, not to hang on if it becomes obvious you should let go. I love the wording, too.
When MiLady Katrina and I wrote our vows, we pledged to be together “for as long as our love shall last,” because although we couldn’t picture ever wanting out, we refused to make a vow we might be unable to keep. That’ll be 18 years ago in May. 8-)
I love how you worded yours — clear guidelines, “open standards,” and good priorities. And I’m loving hearing about your ceremony! Looking forward to more. Namaste!
.-= LJF Wolffe´s last blog ..The Beer Prayer =-.
That is a beautiful sentiment and I love how you worded it. One worry thought that crops up for me is the “year and a day” time limit. I’ve noticed in my own relationship with Holly, going on 16 years together now, that there were at least two different issues we confronted that took more than a year to get through.
So, my prayer and hope is that you don’t take that particular time limit as any kind of ultimate deadline, but allow some flexibility and movement with that. When you’re in a life-long commitment, some things just take a while to simmer through.
.-= Mark Silver´s last blog ..Do You Really Need to Spend Big Bucks to Get the Attention of Search Engines? =-.
@Mark: That’s why we said “unsolvable”, not “unsolved”. It’s only if we feel that a solution doesn’t exist after a year and a day, not that a solution exists and it’ll just take some more time for us to get there.
We will, of course, follow our hearts. (: Love to you and yours.
Again with the smartnesses! I think it’s a great thing to include, because you’re right – sometimes things change and it’s good to think about each side of the equation.
I do agree with Mark though on the timeline. My boyfriend Robin and I have had some things to work through that took us more than a year.. but that got resolved nicely in the end as well. :)
Lots of love all around!
.-= Nathalie Lussier´s last blog ..Raw Food Gift Buying Guide for the Holidays =-.
That’s very wise.
Thank you! I should have given it a more careful reading. I kinda suspected that’s what you’d do, but I feel so much better after you explained that. Which is the point. Because, after all, it’s all about me, isn’t it? (sigh)
.-= Mark Silver´s last blog ..Do You Really Need to Spend Big Bucks to Get the Attention of Search Engines? =-.
That reminds me of our wedding vows, in which we swore to love as long as there was will to do so. It is a much more healthy approach than the soul-destroying “till death do us part”. May it be a spreading trend!
.-= Heather Freeman´s last blog ..Chronic pain dilemmas =-.
Love these! How awesome!
.-= Andy Hayes´s last blog ..Calm and Relaxation in Lake Winnipesaukee =-.
Beautiful, honest and empowering.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful ceremony with all of us!
.-= Victoria Brouhard´s last blog ..Quitting the Man: 34 Days Since Freedom =-.
This is so important and I really get it. I thought it was a brilliant sentiment and a brilliant expression, too.
My favorite part of your vows, for just those reasons. Level headed, very solid, very wise. Everyone looked up and really thought when they heard y’all say that.
.-= Megan M.´s last blog ..Especially If You’re Not a Stanford Grad =-.
That’s incredibly brave, clear-eyed, and beautiful.
.-= nw´s last blog ..Online calendars =-.
I love that you give each other space to make a choice to stay and a choice to go if you realize that you can not solve things. To me that feels like real freedom to love each other.
Rock on!
Leah
.-= Leah/DefytheBox´s last blog ..Make A Career of Living Happy =-.
Wow, This is an amazing way of putting something so profound and courageous!
.-= Namaste´s last blog ..A Sacred Mess =-.
What a beautiful vow and the sentiment behind it. I agree with Leah, and she said it so well “that feels like real freedom to love each other”. It’s a horrible thing to witness people in situations where they are trapped into a marriage because of vows and old-style conventions in the name of something that should be the most beautiful and uplifting energy on the planet, love. I think it’s great you posted that on your blog for all to see. Start a meme, change the world!
.-= Donna´s last blog ..Rosemary- Garlic and Walnut Kefir Cheese =-.
I cried when I read this. Talk about serendipity!
Not wishing to go into details, but my marriage ended recently, almost exactly 1 year and 1 day. Maybe if we’d both understood there were some things you can’t “cope with” indefinately, it would have made a huge difference – in my perception of the end as failure if nothing else.
May this remain an abstract concept to you both.
Much impressed with what you guys are doing. Keep doing it, it rocks.
Thanks so much for joining us here, Jacquie, and thanks for your kind words. I’m sure Kyeli will say something sweet when she’s not exhausted from driving all day, too. *offers hugs* (:
Mah! I got very misty-eyed as I read this.
If I ever get married / civil-unionized / formally & sacredly attached to another human being, I want vows like THIS.
Thank you for sharing.
xo.
:: A
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